Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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