he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
