I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
