Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
