forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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