If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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