apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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