I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You can't just leave with hair like that
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
