So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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