my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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