Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Be still, my beating vagina.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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