You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
