it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
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