He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
