I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize