I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
