I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
