Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize