every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
