hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize