Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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