If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
