i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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