I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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