Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
