shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
