I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
