I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
