Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
