just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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