she woke up with a sticky ear
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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