John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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