Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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