I hate your face
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
