if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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