Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
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