You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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