I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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