I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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