The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
