That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
