Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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