Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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