cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
