haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize