I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
