guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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