Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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