Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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