If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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