Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
