i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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