I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
