woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
