I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
