if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
