i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize