I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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