i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
