I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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